Black Woman Struggles with Color-Aroused Emotion, Ideation and Behavior, with a Bi-Chromatic Couple Cue

"[I]t will make me react in violence much faster than I normally
would."

The following is an unedited first-person account of what one Black woman experiences - emotionally, ideationally and behaviorally - when she sees a Black man who is a stranger in the company of a white woman. I have numbered the paragraphs below for easy reference and discussion. I received this account from a woman who heard that I am writing a book about this topic and who acknowledges that she is not happy or comfortable with her own skin-color aroused emotion, ideation and behavior:

(1)"When I see them my first thought is here we go again another black man lost to white woman. Then my second thought is why does this man feel that a black woman is not good enough for him and then comes the anger and irritation.

(2) But, I try to make a point to speak to the black man at least by saying hello and I get more angry when he seems to be nervous to say hello back. Which makes me think if he feels uncomfortable saying hello to me only because he's with a white woman then what the hell are you doing with her. Now the white woman this man was with was overweight like most americans and not beautiful by most american standards. But whenever an overweight black woman would look at this man he would not pay her any attention. Which causes my irritation level to go up. Now this setting is in a club so this may not be the man's girlfriend but she at least appears to be his
interest for the night.

(3) But my main feeling is that all the black men that date white women these days feel that we are not good enough for them. I'm sure you heard all the negative stereotypes, overweight, nag to much, have to many kids and no education. Which makes me so angry because unless they forgot where they came from but there mother is also a black woman. And for you to speak down and negatively to another black woman just because of her color and all stereotypes because you prefer blond hair and blue eyes is disrespectful to all and every black woman.

(4) But my main feeling Francis is anger and hurt.

(5) There are not many white women that I associate with and I'm also not a confrontational person. But my brother has a girlfriend for the first time that is not a black woman and we got into an argument regarding it that caused me to not speak to him for a while and we speak almost everyday. So I expressed to him how I feel and it turned real bad he said a bunch of negative things about black women and that was the worst argument we have had since we were adults.

(6) He would say things like he would never date another black women again. That we talk to much, we always try to be in control and don't listen. So I said to him that a black woman would be to strong for you to handle. And that you must realize to yourself that you don't have anything going for you that a black woman much less any woman would want to be with you. The only reason he has a woman period is because the man shortage. And don't forget that your ass ain't that small either. I also had to remind him where he came from and for him to remember that since his daughters are black that he just put them down as well as his mother, myself and every other black woman he loves in his family.

(7) But in another situation I was at a concert and there was this white girl who was talking to a black man and it was very crowded. She was trying to push me out of her way and I think because I can't stand to see this that it caused me to over react in this situation. So of course I pushed her back and she turned around and called me a black bitch and I was walking up getting ready to beat the shit out of her and these guys held me back. So it did not go as far as I wanted it to go but because I dislike it so much it will make me react in violence much faster than I normally would."

In paragraphs (1) and (2) above, the Black woman writer, whom I will refer to by the pseudonym "America," is able to identify the emotions that she feels when she sees a bi-chromatic couple, particularly a Black man in the company of a white woman. She feels "anger and hurt," (paragraph 4) as well as envy and jealousy.

Without testing the reality of her statements about what the Black man is thinking, it's clear that when she thinks that a Black man would prefer to be with a white woman than to be with her, America becomes angry. She personalizes the Black man's choice as a choice against her personally, and this mental behavior makes her more angry. She compares her own overweight to that of the overweight white woman and concludes that the Black man's choice is fundamentally unfair and unreasonable. And then she feels more righteous anger.

America has a longstanding policy of "try[ing] to make a point to speak to the black man," which, she acknowledges, often brings her into direct and unforeseen conflict with complete strangers, Black and white. In the last sentence of paragraph (2), America speculates about the strangers' relationship to one another ("she may not be the man's girlfriend but she at least appears to be his interest for the night") and her conclusions fuel her anger.

In paragraph (3), America expresses her belief that Black men don't think Black women are as good as white women, and she clearly expresses that this relates directly to to her own self-esteem. "[B]lack men that date white women these days feel that we are not good enough for them." She express hurt at her perception that, as an overweight Black woman, she is ignored by Black men who favor even overweight white women to overweight Black women. America clearly as a lot of hurt "stored up" over these issues, and it is weighing upon her self-esteem and fueling her angry behavior.

In paragraph (5), America transitions into a discussion of her isolation from white women and how this has effectively left her estranged from her own brother, hurting her family relationships. When her brother started seeing a white woman, she confronted him (just as she always has other Black male strangers whom she saw with white women in public.) This lead to a breakdown in communication between her and her brother. I caused "an argument regarding it that caused me to not speak to him for a while and we speak almost everyday."

(In an increasingly multi-chromatic America where the boundaries of de facto segregation are slowly breaking down, one wonders if this same sort of argument and estrangement is not occurring literally all the time between family members of every color-group?) Paragraph (5) shows how marked color-aroused emotion and ideation that become manifest in behavior sometimes hurt the color-aroused person as much as anyone else.

Paragraph (6) tells us that America's brother avows strict color-aroused ideation and behavior, observing a rule not to date Black women (people like his sister). (America, too, believes in and endeavors to enforce a strict color-based discrimination in romantic partner choices, except that America discriminates in favor of monochromatic dating while her brother says discriminates strictly in favor of bi-chromatic Black man/white woman dating.)

In paragraph (7), America describes facts which lead one to believe that her condition has escalated out of control, because her emotions and ideation are leading to potentially deadly confrontations with complete strangers who have not engaged her previously in any way. When she saw a Black man who was a stranger engaging in conversation with a white woman who was a stranger, America engaged in a shoving match that she acknowledges occurs because she "can't stand to see that." The white woman calls America a skin-color-associated antagonistic name, and now America acknowledges that her initial tendency to "over-react" leads to a situation in which she only avoids being hurt or hurting someone else, and perhaps being arrested, charged and convicted because "these guys held me back."

Amazingly, America expresses regret that she did NOT engage in a bar fight. "So it did not go as far as I wanted it to go but because I dislike it so much it will make me react in violence much faster than I normally would." To put this into context, we must remember that the bar argument after which Ron Pettaway was killed ostensibly involved a much less charged topic and was between two Black men, not a white woman and a Black woman. It is not hard to imagine that America's behavior could have led to an arrest and conviction, during which processes she might well have lost her job and suffered severe financial repercussions.

With America's stored feelings of hurt coming to the fore when she sees her brother dating a white woman, America experiences color-aroused anger and sadness. Complex ideation and emotions come associated with her own self-esteem and overweight come flooding back. She and her brother argue and insult one another over their skin-color associated attitudes, with America clearly manifesting much anger and hurt in an insult-laden tirade directed toward her brother, after which they stop talking.

America's angry color-aroused behavior is tearing at the integrity of her sibling relationship. (Remember that our discussion is based on America's own account of her behavior in this interaction.) One even suspects that America's brother's new assertion that he will only date white women in the future (he dated Black women in the past) may have been provoked by the confrontation he has had with America over the issue. Even had he made this decision independently, he might not have said so to America but for her angry confrontation over this issue.

Meanwhile, America says that her brother's color-associated rule against dating all Black women shows color-associated animosity toward all women in that group, including his mother, his sister and his daughters. America raises an important issue: Can a Black man who discriminates against all Black women raise Black daughters to have strong self-esteem and a healthy sense of self-worth? Can he love himself even as he angrily disassociates himself from a group that includes his mother, his sister and his own daughters?

One of the most interesting things about this account is the clear interaction and interplay between America's thoughts and feelings, with her thoughts fueling and heightening the emotional distress that she feels at every turn. For America to resolve her inner turmoil and rebuild her own self-esteem, she may need to reassess the messages she gives herself about the significance of Black man/white woman dating. She will need to look for a way to meet her own needs for intimacy without endeavoring to forcibly control and compel how all Black men - even strangers - relate to all white women. Fundamentally, she will need to acknowledge that it will hurt her most of all if she continues to automatically manifest all of her hurt and anger spontaneously in confrontations with strangers.

Her behavior reminds me of an incident that occurred two decades ago in Providence, Rhode Island. I was walking down a public street with a pretty white woman to whom I felt attracted, but with whom I was not in a romantic relationship. Two white men passed slowly in a pick-up truck and one screamed out of the window, "What are you doing walking with that "N**ger?!" I screamed back, 'Get out of your truck and say that again!" Instead, the white men drove on and the incident ended there.

Ironically, just as the white men were trying to enforce a strict rule against bi-chromatic dating, America seeks the same result and for pretty much the same reason: to preserve potential mates of her own skin-color for people of her group while denying them to people of another group. Although doctrinally "racism" may be an activity in which only white people can engage, still psychologically it is clear that both Blacks and whites can and do engage in extreme color-aroused emotion and ideation that becomes manifest in extreme color-aroused antagonistic behavior.

In these cases, the potential for spontaneous violence with strangers is one key to identifying "extreme" color-aroused behavior as distinguished from "benign," "mild" and "moderate" color-aroused behavior. The words benign, mild, moderate and extreme in this context refer not to the relationship to color stimuli, which is clear, but rather to the potential for these emotions, ideation and behavior to result in marked impairment of the color-aroused person in one or more key areas of life, such as family relationships, romantic relationships and continued ability to work and earn a living.

Unfortunately, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) offers no treatment guidelines to help a person with the ideation and emotional and behavior problem described above because the APA does not necessarily consider such behavior to be evidence of a problem with which psychiatrists should concern themselves.